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The  Unexpected  Guest 


Amos  J.  Hershey 


(MPANY 


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226  S.  11th  Street,  Philadelphia 


The  Unexpected  Guest 


A Vaudeville  Sketch  in  One  Act 


By  Jimos  J.  Hershey 


PHILADELPHIA 

THE  PENN  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 
1912 


Copyright  1906  by  the  Penn  Publishing  Company 


The  Unexpected  Guest 


. Wu^  &&ML 


CHARACTERS 


Mr.  Everett  Hillard, 
Punch 


A business  man 
The  Inventio?i 


Time  in  Representation  : Forty-five  Minutes 


COSTUMES 


Hillard.  Business  suit,  with  hat,  overcoat  and  gloves. 
Punch.  Velvet  or  satin  suit.  Knickerbocker  pants, 
blouse  waist,  large  pointed  collar-like  cape,  ornaments  on 
each  point,  small  bishop’s  sleeves  with  wide  turn-back 
cuffs,  silk  hose,  slippers,  Punch’s  cap  with  ornaments. 
Face  made  up  as  a doll,  pink  cheeks,  red  lips,  etc.  Wig. 


Large  box  in  which  Punch  is  packed  like  a doll ; ex- 
' celsior  and  other  packing  ; key,  newspapers,  letters,  plate 
with  apples  ; light  overcoat,  hat  and  gloves ; hatchet. 


Punch  is  very  changeable,  sometimes  droll  and  light- 
headed, other  times  serious ; sometimes  he  seems  mature, 
at  other  times  a mere  child.  He  should  possess  personal 
interest  and  charm. 


PROPERTIES 


3 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUEST 


Scene , — A nicely  furnished  Bachelor's  apartment , show- 
ing sofa , chairs , coat  and  hat  rack , reading  table  with 
books,  papers,  letters,  etc . 

Entrances, — Center,  Right,  Left . Windo7u  at  Right . 

{Enter  Hillard,  who  takes  off  gloves,  throws  them  on  table , 
* takes  newspaper  out  of  overcoat  pocket,  tosses  it  on  table , 
removes  overcoat  a?id  hat,  hangs  them  on  rack.) 

Hillard  {sinking  wearily  into  armchair  by  table).  Oh, 
but  I am  tired  ! Such  a day  as  we  have  had  at  the  office  : 
why,  the  work  simply  piled  in.  Busy  all  the  time.  Didn’t 
even  have  time  to  go  out  for  lunch,  although  I did  take 
about  five  minutes  to  go  across  the  street  to  a restaurant 
and  invest  a nickel  in  a sandwich.  Think,  {rubbing 
stomach)  nothing  to  eat  for  ten  hours  but  a measly  ham 
sandwich.  {Looks  at  watch.)  Only  five  o’clock,  and  dinner 
not  until  six.  By  the  way,  the  waiters  in  these  restaurants 
have  to  contend  with  a great  deal  of  kicking.  To-day  I 
overheard  several  complaints  which  were  really  amusing. 
The  fellow  sitting  next  to  me  gave  the  waiter  a polite  hint 
by  asking  him  if  he  couldn’t  coax  the  chicken  to  wade 
through  the  soup  once  more.  The  man  directly  opposite 
me  remarked,  in  the  presence  of  the  waiter,  “ We  are  told 
that  the  smallest  hair  throws  a shadow.  Certainly  it 
does  ! It  throws  a shadow  over  your  appetite  when  you 
find  it  in  your  victuals,”  and  he  had  it  there,  too.  Just 
as  I was  leaving  I overheard  a newcomer,  who  had  taken 
a seat  inside  the  door,  order  some  eggs  : “ How  will  you 

5 


6 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUEST 


have  the  eggs  cooked  ? ” asked  the  waiter.  “ Make  any 
difference  in  the  price  of  them  ? ” asked  the  customer 
cautiously.  “ No.”  “ Then  cook  them  with  a nice  slice  of 
ham,”  he  replied,  greatly  relieved.  ( Discovers  newspaper 
on  tabled)  Well,  well,  I haven’t  even  glanced  at  the 
evening  paper  yet.  (Picks  up  paper,  glances  over  headlines  : 
reads.)  “ Great  Time  Among  The  Sons  Of  Ireland ; 
Big  demonstration  to-morrow  evening.”  (Laughs.)  That 
reminds  me,  I was  walking  along  Market  Street  this 
morning  and  saw  two  Irishmen  and  an  old  mule  out  on 
the  street : each  would  ride  a short  distance  while  the 
other  would  follow  on  foot.  Once  the  Irishman  who  was 
on  foot  got  close  to  the  heels  of  his  muleship,  when  he 
received  a kick  on  one  of  his  shins.  To  be  revenged,  he 
picked  up  a stone  and  hurled  it  at  the  mule,  but  by 
accident  struck  his  companion  on  the  back  of  the  head. 
Seeing  what  he  had  done  he  stopped  and  began  to  groan 
and  rub  his  skin.  The  one  on  the  mule  turned  and 
asked,  “ Phwat’s  the  mather  ? ” “ The  cratur’s  kicked 

me,”  was  the  reply.  “ Be  jabers,”  said  the  other,  “ An’ 
he  did  thot  same  to  me  on  the  back  of  me  head.”  (At 
this  time  Hillard  discovers  the  box , which  is  standing  up- 
right, rear  r.  c.  and  is  somewhat  startled ).  Why,  for  the — 
well,  the  idea!  what  in  the  world  can  that  be?  (Goes 
over  a?id  examines  box).  I do  declare,  it  looks  like  a 
coffin.  (Shivers.)  Ough ! may  be  it  is ! Now  who 
would  be  wanting  to  send  me  anything  like  that.  It 
might  be  a joke  of  Robert’s  ; he  is  going  to  a medical 
school  and  perhaps  he  has  sent  me  a skeleton  for  a joke. 
He  knows  how  I dislike  them.  If  it  is,  you  won’t  find 
me  sleeping  here  to-night.  Perhaps  they’ve  sent  it  to  the 
wrong  room.  No. — (reads  label).  Mr.  Everett  Hillard. 
The  Wheatland  Apartment  House,  cor.  Sixth  and  Gold- 
smith Aves.,  City.  That’s  my  name  all  right,  but  there’s 
nothing  to  tell  where  it  came  from,  nor  to  give  any  hint 
as  to  what  it  contains.  I know  about  as  little  as  I did 
before.  I guess  the  only  way  to  find  out  is  to  open  it  and 
see.  But  I don’t  like  to  ; if  it  should  happen  to  be — 
Wait,  I forgot  to  look  over  my  mail ; there  may  be  a 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUEST 


7 


letter  explaining  this  mysterious  package.  {Sorts  letters 
at  table,  opens  one,  reads  it.)  Oh,  that’s  just  my  tailor’s  bill. 
Very  well ! Very  well ! It  will  come  in  handy  to-morrow 
morning  to  give  the  maid  for  kindling  the  fire.  {Picks 
up  another  letter ).  Now  here’s  a letter  that  looks  mys- 
terious. {Breaks  seal  and  reads).  “ My  dear  Everett,  I 
suppose  you  are  somewhat  surprised  to  hear  from  me, 
but  you  know  how  I hate  to  write  letters,  unless  I am  up 
to  mischief.”  {Looks  nervously  at  boxi)  Just  what  I 
thought.  I — I can’t  stay  here  with  a skeleton  {shivers) 
as  my  only  companion.  I — I w-wish  I — I was  out  of 
this.  ( Goes  toward  door,  when  he  sees  box  he  hesitates, 
goes  back , then  he  goes  toward  door  but  backs  as  before.  Re- 
peat business.)  Well,  if  I can’t  get  away,  I suppose  the 
only  course  left  is  to  finish  the  letter  : no  doubt  it  is  ex- 
plained here,  (reads).  “ As  you  well  know,  I have 
always  delighted  in  new  inventions  {brightens)  and  I am 
somewhat  of  an  inventor  myself.  (Smiles.)  I have  just 
completed  my  little  invention  of  a most  life-like  toy  which 
I have  named  the  Funny  Punch.”  {Laughs.)  It  is  no 
skeleton  after  all,  but  merely  a harmless  invention.  All 
my  worry  and  fear  and  trembling  was  for  naught.  {Con- 
tinues reading).  “I  know  you  feel  somewhat  lonely,  you 
old  bachelor,  living  all  alone  in  an  apartment  house,  so  I 
have  sent  you  this  little  man  to  enliven  your  dreary  hours. 
Open  the  box  very  carefully,  and  also  be  careful  when 
you  take  Punch  out.  I am  sure  you  will  say  it  is  the 
most  life-like  toy  you  have  ever  seen.  You  will  find  the 
key  in  one  corner  of  the  box.  When  you  wind  him  up 
he  will  converse  with  you  and  seem  as  if  he  were  a living 
person.  I hope  you  may  find  great  comfort  in  him,  as  I 
am  sure  you  will.  When  you  are  inclined  to  be  moody  or 
a little  4 down  in  the  mouth,’  just  wind  up  Funny  Punch 
and  he  will  bring  the  brighter  side  of  life  to  you.  From 
your  old  chum  Robert.”  Well,  well,  how  did  he  know  I 
was  feeling  blue  to-night.  I must  open  this  what-you-may- 
call-it  and  see  what  surprise  is  in  store  for  me.  {Retires, 
door  r.  re-enters  with  hatchet ; pries  lid  off  box,  re- 
moves lid  and  sets  it  against  wall.  In  box,  Punch  is  dis - 


8 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUEST 


covered,  with  t is  sice  paper  and  excelsior  packed  about  him . 
Hillard  removes  all  the  packing , lifts  Punch  out,  stands 
him  on  floor,  keeping  hold  of  him  so  he  does  not  fall.  Punch 
remains  stiff  and  rigid  as  a wax  image.  During  the  above 
business :) 

Hillard.  Isn’t  he  great ! The  dear  little  fellow. 
No  wonder  Robert  named  him  Funny  Punch;  why,  it 
dispels  the  gloom  and  brings  sunshine  just  to  look  at 
him  ! Well,  young  fellow,  I guess  we  can  get  along  to- 
gether. What  jolly  evenings  we  will  have,  just  you  and  I. 
Won’t  we?  Now,  I must  find  that  key.  {Keeps  hold  of 
Punch  with  one  hand,  while  he  procures  the  key  with  the 
other.)  Here  is  the  key,  now  where  is  the  place  to  wind 
him  ? (Searches  all  over  Punch.)  Well,  I wonder  where 
the  place  is  ? Oh,  here.  No  it  isn’t  either.  Humph ! 
where  can  be  it  ? I don’t  remember  whether  Robert  men- 
tioned that  or  not.  He  told  where  the  key  was,  I know 
that,  but  I don’t  know— well,  I will  make  sure,  anyhow, 
and  see.  ( Attempts  to  go  over  to  table,  but  finds  that 
Punch  will  fall  if  he  leaves  him.  Business  here : If  Hil- 
,lard  attempts  to  let  go  of  Punch,  Punch  appears  to  fall ; 
Hillard  props  him  up,  etc.  Repeat  business,  Then  Hil- 
lard holds  Punch  with  one  hand  while  he  looks  beseech- 
ingly at  letter  on  table  and  beckons  for  it  to  conie  over  to 
him.  Finally  he  carries  Punch  over  and  stands  him 
against  table,  and  while  he  props  him  with  his  knees,  he 
picks  up  the  letter  and  glances  over  the  contents . He  is  dis- 
heartened. ) 

Hillard.  No,  not  a thing  about  it.  Well,  I must  find 
that  spot  or  we  cannot  become  acquainted,  can  we,  old 
boy  ? ( Searches  again ; jumps  up  and  clasps  hands.) 

Eureka,  I’ve  found  it.  Oh,  no  you  don’t.  ( Catches  Punch 
as  he  is  about  to  fall.)  Now  we  shall  see  what  good  you 
are.  ( Holds  Punch  around  body  with  one  arm,  while  he 
inserts  key  under  collar  at  back,  into  a spring  so  that  when 
wound  it  clicks  loud  enough  to  be  heard  in  audience.  He 
lays  key  on  table,  then  gazes  at  Punch,  who  does  not  move. 
Hillard  is  disappointed.)  He  doesn’t  move!  It’s  a 
humbug ! It’s  a shame,  that’s  what  it  is,  that  I should 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUEST 


9 


be  all  worked  up  with  hope  and  expectation,  and  then  be 
so  disappointed.  {Lets  go  of  Punch.)  I don’t  care  if  you 
do  fall.  {To  Hillard’s  surprise , Punch  does  not  fall , but 
stands  erect.  Hillard  stands  aside  and  looks  on  with 
wonder . Punch  first  takes  several  deep  breaths , then 
stretches  his  arms,  yawns,  rubs  his  eyes , stretches  arms  again, 
rubs  his  eyeballs  around  and  finally  exclaims  “ Ough  /” 
which  so  startles  Hillard  that  he  runs  around  room  to  rear 
of  table,  where  he  stands , hands  propped  on  table,  staring  at 
Punch.  Punch,  mea?iwhile,  glances  slowly  all  over  au- 
dience, and  then  about  on  stage . He  discovers  Hillard, 
surveys  him  from  head  to  foot,  then  bursts  into  derisive 
laughter . 

Punch  {laughing).  What  are  you  ? 

Hillard  {coming from  behind  table).  What  am  I ? I 
suppose  you  mean,  who  am  I ? 

Punch.  Well,  what  kind  of  thing  are  you,  anyhow  ? 

Hillard  ( indignantly ).  Thing  ? I am  a gentleman  ! 

Punch  ( pondering ).  Gentleman  ! gentleman  ! I guess 
that’s  the  same  as  man,  isn’t  it  ? 

Hillard.  Yes.  Sometimes. 

Punch.  Well,  you  are  certainly  a funny-looking  man. 

Hillard  {vexed).  Not  any  funnier  than  you  are. 
Why,  I should  like  to  know,  am  I any  funnier  than  other 
men  ? 

Punch  {wonderingly).  Other  men  ? Are  there  other 
men  ? 

Hillard  {smiling).  Certainly. 

Punch.  That’s  odd.  I never  saw  any  other  man  ex^ 
cept  you,  and  the  fellow  who  made  me  and  packed  me  in 
that  box  and  sent  me  here. 

Hillard.  Why,  you  were  only  finished  yesterday  and 
sent  direct  to  me,  so  you  see  you  have  not  had  much 
chance  to  meet  other  men. 

Punch  {spies  a plate  of  fruit  on  table).  Oh  ! These  am 
what  ? 

Hillard.  I think  you  are  talking  backward  this 
evening.  You  should  say,  what  are  these  ? Those  are 
apples. 


IO 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUEST 


Punch.  Apples  ? What  are  they  for  ? Are  they  good 
to  eat  ? 

Hillard.  Most  assuredly. 

Punch.  May  I have  one  ? 

Hillard.  Now  your  English  is  better.  Yes,  you 
may  have  one. 

Punch  {bites  into  apple).  Um!  Um!  That’s  good. 

Hillard.  Is  that  the  first  one  you  have  ever  eaten  ? 
Oh  yes,  I forgot  that  you  were  only  made  yesterday. 

Punch  ( sits  on  sofa,  finds  it  springy,  jumps  up  and  down 
on  it).  Say,  isn’t  this  nice  ! Regular  Jumping  Jack  ; or 
rather,  Jumping  Punch,  eh,  (takes  a big  bite  from  apple  and 
stuffs  into  mouth.) 

Hillard  (looking  horrified  at  Punch).  Why,  Punch,  I 
am  surprised  ! 

Punch.  I ain’t. 

Hillard.  Don’t  you  know,  Punch,  that  it  is  very  un- 
mannerly to  fill  your  mouth  in  that  way  ? 

Punch.  And  don’t  you  know  that  it  is  very  unman- 
nerly to  stare  at  your  guests  while  they  are  eating  ? — 
Say  ? 

Hillard.  Well  ? 

Punch.  If  I’d  been  born  twins,  what  would  my  other 
name  be  ? 

Hillard.  I think  you  are  asking  simple  questions  ! 

Punch.  Well,  anyhow,  I do  just  wish  I was  twins. 

Hillard.  Why  ? 

Punch.  ’Cause,  then  I’d  be  able  to  send  one-half  of 
me  to  school  while  the  other  half  could  play  hookey  and 
go  fishing  or  to  the  ball  game. 

Hillard  (laughing).  Well,  you  have  bright  ideas, 
you  have,  for  such  a little  man. 

Punch.  Oh,  I don’t  know  ; I’m  older  than  I look,  even 
if  I was  just  finished  yesterday.  Did  you  ever  hear  the 
story  of  the  peacock  ? 

Hillard.  No. 

Punch.  It’s  a bealitiful  tail.  (tale).  Say,  did  you 
ever  play  the  races  ? 

Hillard.  What  do  you  mean  ? 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUEST 


1 1 


Punch.  Get  next,  won’t  you ! I mean  did  you  ever 
bet  on  a horse  ? 

Hillard.  No,  I never  did. 

Punch.  Are  you  interested  in  them  ? 

Hillard.  Not  very : why  ? 

Punch.  I know  a man  who  made  a lot  of  money  fol- 
lowing the  horses. 

Hillard.  And  who  was  he  ? 

Punch.  The  stage-driver. 

Hillard.  Well ! Speaking  of  animals,  that  reminds 
me,  I read  in  the  paper  that  there’s  a law  against  keeping 
pigs  and  cows  inside  the  city  limits.  They  are  very  strict 
about  it,  I am  told. 

Punch.  Yes,  I read  of  a man  last  week  who  was  ar- 
rested for  keeping  two  fine  Alderney  cows. 

Hillard.  Indeed  ? 

Punch.  It’s  a fact.  They  didn’t  belong  to  him.  By 
the  way,  do  you  know,  my  father  is  a grocer ; and  do  you 
know  what  he  weighs  ? 

Hillard.  No,  having  never  seen  your  father  I could 
not  guess  what  he  weighs.  What  does  your  father  weigh  ? 

Punch.  Oh,  sugar,  cheese,  crackers,  etc. 

Hillard.  Well  you  are  a wonder. 

Punch.  But  do  you  know  my  father  can’t  weigh  eels 
with  scales  ? 

Hillard.  He  can’t  ? Why  not  ? 

Punch.  Because  eels  have  no  scales.  Say,  do  you 
know  I have  a very  interesting  history  ? 

Hillard.  Indeed  ? 

Punch.  Yes,  I bought  it  down  at  the  book  store. 

Hillard.  I have  a brother  that  works  in  a book  store. 
But  my  brother  just  told  me  this  morning  that  he  walks 
in  his  sleep. 

Punch.  I wish  my  brother  could,  he’d  be  on  the 
police  force  yet.  How  is  your  brother  ? 

Hillard.  Why,  brother  has  been  away  for  three  years. 

Punch.  Yes,  I was  there.  I thought  he  would  get 
nine. 

Hillard  {proudly ).  Well,  my  brother  is  smart. 


u.  of  r.L  uf\ 


12 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUEST 


Punch.  You  bet  he  is.  I didn’t  think  they  would 
catch  him. 

Hillard  ( impatiently ).  Well,  you  never  mind  my 
brother. 

Punch  ( sneer ingly ).  I don’t  have  to.  There’s  men 
paid  for  minding  him.  You  know  my  sister,  don’t  you  ? 

Hillard.  Why,  I didn’t  know  you  had  a sister  ? 

Punch.  Yes,  and  she  has  a little  girl. 

Hillard.  She  has  ? 

Punch.  It’s  a fact ! She’s  the  bouncing  mother  of  a 
proud  girl. 

Hillard.  Ha  ! ha  ! ha  ! 

Punch.  What  are  you  laughing  at  ? 

Hillard.  Why,  that’s  not  right.  You  should  have 
said,  4 She’s  the  proud  mother  of  a bouncing  girl  : ’ 
although  that  phrase  is  not  applied  to  girls,  but  generally 
to  boy  babies. 

Punch.  Oh,  I don’t  know  ; girls  can  be  just  as  bouncy 
as  boys,  although  the  boys  do  get  the  bounce  from  their 
best  girls  now  and  then.  But  about  girls  being  bouncy  ! 
Did  you  ever  attend  any  of  these  afternoon  teas,  where  the 
ladies  are  generally  in  the  majority,  and  we  poor  men 
(coughs)  are  awfully  in  the  minority  ? This  is  the  way 
one  of  those  youthful  maids  of  forty  years  of  age,  more  or 
less,  comes  bouncing  across  the  room  to  greet  you.  (Imi- 
tates a lady  with  a bouncy  walk  at  a reception  gomg  around 
greeting  her  friends).  4 Why,  how  do  you  do,  Mr.  Has- 
well,  I am  awfully  glad  to  see  you,  and  how  is  Mr.  Percy  ? 
Oh,  there  is  Florence  Nighter.  (Nods  to  imaginary  person ). 
Pray  excuse  me,  Mr.  Haswell.’  (Greeting  Florence  with 
a kiss).  4 Oh,  you  dear  girl,  where  have  you  been,  I have 
been  looking  for  you  ever  since  I came  ? What  do  you 
think  of  Mrs.  Mason’s  gown,  isn’t  it  just  charming  ? — 
Yes. — Did  you  see  May  Waller  ? No?  She’s  right  over 
there.  Isn’t  she  powdered  and  painted  something  awful  ? 
Here  comes  that  disagreeable  Marne  Rekan ; doesn’t 
her  dress  set  something  horrid,  and  the  way  she  has  her 
hair  fixed  ! — Why,  how  do  you  do,  Miss  Rekan  ; Florence 
and  I were  just  remarking  how  well  you  looked  this  after- 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUEST 


13 


noon,  and  how  well  your  dress  becomes  you. — What  did 
you  say,  Mrs.  Van  Okram  ? {Turning  to  the  hostess).  Yes, 
1 had  a delightful  time,  thank  you. — Well  I will  have  to 
bid  you  good-afternoon,  I notice  the  others  are  leaving. 
Good  bye,  Florence.’  Don’t  try  to  tell  me  girls  are  not 
bouncy.  But  about  that  baby  : they  say  it  looks  like  me. 

Hillard  {jokingly).  Then  kill  her. 

Punch.  Mercy,  why  ? 

Hillard.  Better  slaughter  it  than  condemn  it  to  a 
life  of  sorrow. 

Punch.  Sir-r-r-r  ! How  dare  you  insult  me  that  way  ! 
Take  that,  and  that,  and  that.  {Slapping  Hillard  on  the 
face). 

Hillard.  Hold  on  ! That’s  my  face. 

Punch.  The  idea  of  you  insulting  me  to  my  face  be- 
hind my  back  ! {Goes  to  other  side  of  stage  and  pouts). 

Hillard  {coaxingly).  Come  now,  cheer  up. 

Punch.  I’ve  a great  big  notion  to  go  right  back  in  my 
box. 

Hillard.  O,  don’t.  Come,  tell  me  more  about  your 
little  niece. 

Punch  {brightening).  You  mean  that  dear,  sweet 
little  thing? 

Hillard.  Yes. 

Punch.  Well  you  know  that  she  is  the  only  children 
Sara  has. 

Hillard.  Child,  you  mean. 

Punch.  No,  she  isn’t  a child.  I said  she  was  a girl. 

Hillard.  Well,  go  on. 

Punch.  She  is  the  dearest  little  thing,  and  what  do 
you  think  her  name  is  ? 

Hillard.  Mary  ? 

Punch.  No. 

Hillard.  Susan  ? 

Punch.  No  ! ! 

Hillard.  Sarah  ? 

Punch.  No  ! ! ! 

Hillard.  Well,  what  is  her  name? 

Punch.  Oleo  Margery.  Don’t  you  think  it’s  pretty  ? 


H 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUEST 


Hillard.  Why  no,  I can’t  say  that  I do.  It  sounds 
too  much  like  oleomargarine. 

Punch.  Well,  they  haven’t  any  but  her.  ( Walks  over 
to  window  ; suddenly  throws  up  his  hands  in  horror ).  Oh  ! 
There’s  a man  dropped  one  hundred  feet  out  of  the  win- 
dow ! 

Hillard  ( excited , runs  to  window.)  Mercy  1 Did  it 
kill  him  ? 

Punch  ( walking  calmly  away.)  No,  they  were  pigs’ 
feet  1 

Hillard.  ( disgusted ),  Now,  you’re  smart,  aren’t  you  ? 

Punch.  Certainly,  and  I am  awful  strong  too,  even  if 
I am  little. 

Hillard.  Well,  what  feat  of  strength  can  you  boast 
of  ? 

Punch.  Why,  I get  in  a boat  every  morning  and  pull 
up  the  river. 

Hillard  (in  mock  amazement).  Wonderful  ! Amaz- 
ing! 

Punch.  Yes,  but  that  isn’t  all. 

Hillard.  Well,  what  now  ? 

Punch.  I got  up  this  morning,  took  an  axe  and  chop- 
ped a tree  down,  then  I took  another  axe  and  chopped  it 
up. 

Hillard.  That  was  very  good  work  for  a little  man 
like  you. 

Punch.  Yes?  (Weeps.) 

Hillard.  Why  are  you  weeping,  Punch,  why  those 
bitter  tears  ? 

Punch.  I just  heard  yesterday  that  the  good  die 
young,  and  I am  so  blamed  good. 

Hillard.  Don’t  cry,  you  have  no  cause  to  worry. 

Punch.  Think  not  ? Say,  did  you  know  that  I owned 
a gun  once  ? 

Hillard.  A little  boy  like  you  own  a gun  ! The  idea ! 

Punch  (proudly).  Yes,  I owned  a gun,  and  a good 
gun,  too  ! And  you  ought  to  have  seen  the  way  that  gun 
could  shoot.  It  would  shoot  so  far  that  you  couldn’t  tell 
where  the  bullet  would  land  1 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUEST 


IS 


Hillard.  Impossible ! 

Punch.  It’s  a fact.  I’ll  tell  you  what  I did  ; just  to 
prove  to  you  its  force.  When  I bought  that  gun  I loaded 
it  and  went  out  to  try  it.  I didn’t  have  any  particular 
target  to  shoot  at,  so  I shot  straight  up  in  the  air.  I 
waited  for  the  ball  to  come  down,  but  I didn’t  see  it. 
But  what  do  you  think  ? After  awhile,  a chunk  of  ice 
came  down. 

Hillard.  Ice  ? In  summer  time  ? 

Punch.  Yes,  sir,  a piece  of  real  ice ! I couldn’t 
imagine  from  where  it  came,  but  I took  it  home  and  put 
it  into  the  refrigerator.  When  the  ice  was  melted,  what 
do  you  think  I found  ? 

Hillard.  I couldn’t  imagine. 

Punch.  Why,  that  bullet  was  lying  in  the  icebox ! 

Hillard.  How  did  it  come  there  ? 

Punch.  Well,  I was  telling  you  the  force  of  that  gun, 
and  I suppose  the  bullet  went  so  far  up  that  it  froze  into 
a cake  of  ice. 

Hillard  ( disgusted ).  Well,  that  is  a big  one  ! 

Punch.  Sure,  it  was  a big  one,  it  lasted  for  several 
days,  and  a few  over.  And  what  do  you  think  ? That 
excellent  gun  of  mine  went  off  one  night  and  it  wasn’t 
loaded. 

Hillard.  Amazing ! How  was  that  ? 

Punch.  A thief  carried  it  off.  Did  you  know  that 
there  was  a big. explosion  down  town  to-day? 

Hillard.  No,  I didn’t  hear  of  it:  what  was  it  ? 

Punch.  The  wind  blew  up  Market  Street ! That  re- 
minds me, — You  know  my  brother-in-law  ? Well,  he  at- 
tempted to  beat  his  wife  last  night,  and  two  policemen 
rushed  in  just  in  time  to  prevent  murder. 

Hillard.  Horrible  ! Did  they  take  him  to  jail  ? 

Punch.  No,  to  the  hospital. 

Hillard.  Do  you  know,  that  brother-in-law  of  yours 
is  liable  to  get  himself  into  trouble  ! 

Punch.  I think  he  did  get  into  it : with  both  feet, 
too. 

Hillard.  No  ! I mean  other  trouble. 


i6 


the  unexpected  guest 


Punch.  Well,  what  has  he  been  doing  now  ? 

Hillard.  He  is  going  around  telling  lies  about  me. 

Punch.  As  long  as  he  tells  lies,  what  need  you  care  ? 
But  if  he  begins  to  tell  the  truth,  I would  break  his  jaw. 
My  brother-in-law  had  over  fifty  thousand  men  under 
him. 

Hillard.  Why,  I never  knew  that  he  was  a General ! 

Punch.  He  isn’t : he  was  up  in  an  airship.  Now  I 
want  to  ask  you  a serious  question. 

Hillard.  I didn’t  know  you  could  be  serious.  Well 
what  is  it  ? 

Punch.  If  I should  eat  a lot  of — of — of,  what  are 
those  things  with  the  long  thin  seeds  in  ? 

Hillard.  Long  thin  seeds?  ( Thinks ).  Oh,  you 
mean  dates. 

Punch.  Yes,  if  I should  eat  a lot  of  dates,  would  I 
become  a calendar  ? 

Hillard.  Such  a foolish  question  ! 

Punch.  Say,  am  I really,  truly  made  of  dust.  I heard 
Robert  say  so. 

Hillard.  I suppose  so.  Why  ? 

Punch.  Then  why  don’t  I get  muddy  when  you  wash 
me  ? 

Hillard.  You  are  rather  childish,  are  you  not  ? 

Punch.  Oh,  you  know  I’m  changeable. 

Hillard.  I should  think  you  are,  the  way  that  you 
have  been  acting  this  evening. 

Punch.  Do  you  know,  my  aunt  that  lives  out  in  the 
country,  has  a cow  that  gives  buttermilk  ? 

Hillard.  Get  out,  that’s  impossible. 

Punch.  What  else  can  a cow  give  but-her-milk  ? 
( Laughs .)  I saw  the  funniest  thing  down  town  to- 
day. I saw  a horse  running  away  and  a little  dog  sitting 
on  his  tail. 

Hillard.  Punch,  that  is  impossible  ! 

Punch.  Not  a bit  of  it.  The  horse  was  running 
down  the  street,  and  the  dog  was  sitting  on  his  own  tail 
(Spies  newspaper ).  Is  that  the  Evening  Bulletin  ? 

Hillard.  Yes,  but  you  can’t  read. 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUEST 


17 

Punch.  Well  I guess  I can.  {Picks  up  paper , goes  to 
sofa , sits  and  reads).  Big  Fire  In  Eastern  District,” 

Husband  Commits  Suicide,”  poor  fellow.  Oh,  here  it 
says,  “ Miss  Mary  Cute,  while  eating  lunch  at  a restaurant 
got  a pearl  out  of  an  oyster.”  Um,  that’s  nothing  1 

Hillard.  It  isn’t? 

Punch.  No!  My  sister  got  a diamond  necklace  out 
of  a lobster.  {Reads.)  “ A Galveston  young  lady  has 
sued  a man  for  attempting  to  kiss  her  against  her  will 
instead  of  against  her  cheek.”  She’s  all  right,  she  is. 
Here’s  a fellow  writes  : “ To  the  Editor  of  the  Bulletin  : — 
Is  there  anything  more  h-a-r-r-o-w-i-n-g,”  what  does  that 
spell  ? 

Hillard.  Harrowing. 

Punch  (reads).  “ Is  there  anything  more  harrowing 
to  the  soul,  than  a peg  in  one’s  shoe  ? ” I wonder  what 
the  answer  is  ? I give  that  riddle  up.  Say,  that  re- 
minds me  : Did  you  ever  hear  that  great  preacher  dis- 
course about  the  soul  ? 

Hillard.  No.  What  did  he  say  ? 

Punch.  He  said,  “ The  soul  is  a prisoner  that  always 
kills  its’s  jailer  when  it  makes  its  escape.” 

Hillard.  Indeed,  that  is  a very  beautiful  thought. 
And  do  you  know  who  the  jailer  is? 

Punch.  I suppose  it  is  the  thread  that  the  shoe  is 
sewed  with.  {Continues  reading.)  “ A Philadelphia 
young  lady  tried  to  be  aristocratic  when  she  got  on  a Bar- 
ing Street  car  this  morning,  and  did  not  look  at  the 
money  which  she  gave  the  conductor ; but  he  very  meekly 
gave  back  the  lozenge  on  which  was  written,  “I’ll  never 
cease  to  love  thee,”  and  said,  he  was  an  orphan  with  six 
little  brothers  to  support  and  must  be  excused.”  Ha  ! 
ha  ! ha  1 I bet  you  she  'felt  cheap.  “ Horse  thieves 
are  serenaded  in  Texas  by  string  bands.”  “ Samuel 
Zoner,  of  331  Baker  Street,  broke  a chair  over  his  wife’s 
head  yesterday,  and  was  immediately  taken  to  the  station 
house,  where  he  will  be  kept  until  this  morning,  when  he 
comes  before  the  court.  While  locked  up,  his  pastor 
visited  him  and  undertook  to  talk  with  him.  Zoner  dis- 


i8 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUEST 


played  a good  deal  of  penitence.  He  said,  he  was  very 
sorry  he  had  permitted  his  anger  to  obtain  the  mastery  of 
him,  and  to  suffer  him  to  do  such  an  act,  because  it  was  a 
good  chair,  one  of  those  old-fashioned  colonial  chairs, 
which  was  an  heirloom  in  his  family  and  he  knew  he 
could  never  replace  it ! ” Well,  did  you  ever  ! He  loved 
his  wife,  didn’t  he  ! “Now  is  the  time  to  reduce  rents 
— by  sewing  them  up.”  Here’s  another  fellow  that 
writes,  “ To  the  Editor  of  the  Bulletin  : — Is  stealing  a 
march  worse  than  taking  a walk  ? ” O,  how  funny  ? 
{Starts  laughing  and  continues  laughing ). 

Hillard.  For  goodness  sake,  Punch,  stop  laughing. 

Punch.  Oh,  it’s  so  funny,  I can’t  help  it ! ( Continues 

laughing  but  finally  ends  in  a squawk  ; paper  falls  from  his 
fingers,  and  Punch  is  perfectly  still). 

Hillard  (startled).  Punch ! Punch  ! ! Why,  the 
poor  fellow  has  run  down.  Well,  I thought  he  wouldn’t 
last  much  longer,  without  rewinding.  {Glances  at  watch. 
In  surprise).  Well,  it’s  nearly  six  o’clock,  and  I am  not 
dressed  for  dinner.  {Gathers  up  letters).  I must  hurry 
or  I will  be  late.  Doubtless  he  will  be  all  right  where  he 
is  until  later.  Poor  little  fellow,  he  has  certainly  been  a 
jolly  companion  this  last  half  hour.  {Goes  over  to  Punch 
picks  him  up  and  places  him  in  cornier).  Well,  good-bye, 
Punch,  until  our  next  meeting.  Good-bye,  Good-bye. 
{Exit  door  right.) 


CURTAIN 


Practical  Elocution 

By  I*  W.  Shoemaker,  A.  HL 
300  pages 

Cloth,  Leather  Back,  $1.25 

This  work  is  the  outgrowth  of 
actual  class-room  experience,  and 
is  a practical,  common-sense  treat- 
ment of  the  whole  subject.  It  is 
clear  and  concise,  yet  comprehen- 
sive, and  is  absolutely  free  from 
the  entangling  technicalities  that  are  so  frequently 
found  in  books  of  this  class. 

Conversation,  which  is  the  basis  of  all  true  Elocu- 
tion, is  regarded  as  embracing  all  the  germs  of 
speech  and  action.  Prominent  attention  is  therefore 
given ' to  the  cultivation  of  this  the  most  common 
form  of  human  expression. 

General  principles  and  practical  processes  are  pre- 
sented for  the  cultivation  of  strength,  purity,  and 
flexibility  of  Voice,  for  the  improvement  of  distinct- 
ness and  correctness  in  Articulation,  and  for  the 
development  of  Soul  power  in  delivery. 

The  work  includes  a systematic  treatment  of  Ges- 
ture in  its  several  departments  of  position,  facial 
expression,  and  bodily  movement,  a brief  system  of 
Gymnastics  bearing  upon  vocal  development  and 
grace  of  movement,  and  also  a chapter  on  Methods 
of  Instruction,  for  teachers. 

Sold  by  all  booksellers,  or  sent,  prepaid,  upon  re 
oeipt  of  price. 

The  Penn  Publishing  Company 

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Elocution  and  Oratory 

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Do  you  want  to  be  an  Orator 

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oi  Elocution  " 

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